Starting to understand him a bit more

I’ve been taking the advice given here, reading recommended books and websites and watching recommended YouTubers and it’s helped me to understand his side a bit more.

Most importantly, I spoke to a therapist and we role-played a potential “closure” conversation where she was him and I was me. Something that she said has stuck with me. It was that while me asking for a conversation and to end things in person was me trying to get my needs met, him refusing and doubling down on ending things over text was also him trying to get his needs met. Even if it seemed cold. He was trying to find some way to lessen the overwhelming feelings he was experiencing.

I think this makes it easier for me to forgive him. And to me, forgiveness is very important. I’m not planning to speak to him or see him again in a personal capacity, but I don’t want to carry this around in my heart forever.

Looking back, there are a few moments where I saw that vulnerable, hurt part of him and I don’t think I comforted him well. I didn’t know about avoidant attachment back then but in hindsight, his behaviour makes a lot more sense.

• The day he told me he felt pressured into asking me to be his girlfriend because he was afraid of losing me (he said he didn’t feel pressured by me specifically but he couldn’t say what or who caused the pressure)
• The day we talked after a disagreement and he said that he was scared to tell me about what his boundaries around certain things were, because he thought that I would leave him
• When we broke up the first time and he asked me to reconsider because he was trying to be a better boyfriend and not be a coward (his words) I didn’t understand what he meant about being a coward at the time
• When he came to comfort me one day when I told him I felt really down. He didn’t know what to do or say and he came across as really cold and aloof. But he still dropped what he was doing and came to be with me.
• Even this last time, during the discard, he said he was afraid of continuing and he didn’t know what he was signing up for

Looking back, he did speak about his fears but I don’t think I understood clearly what all of this meant at the time. But I could have asked more questions and been more open to hearing his side of things.

I think deep down, he’s just scared and doesn’t know how to give or receive love. But he wants to be loved so badly. A part of me feels like reaching out to apologise for not comforting him when he was afraid. I was focused on my own reactions to his words, his fear and hesitation.

But I’m still angry and resentful about other things that happened. Things that are not acceptable to do or say in any context. And he did still discard me which I don’t think anyone deserves. So I won’t reach out. I need to be kind to myself first.

I’ll focus on releasing my anger and letting it go in my heart and mind. If in year’s time, I still feel like something needs to be said then maybe I will. But I have a feeling that I won’t be thinking about him anymore by then.

Just wanted to get this off my chest and also see if anyone can relate? Did you have any other realisations or epiphanies during this process?