I have bipolar 1

Hi I am curious if this is normal. So for about a week or so now I have been waking up and all the thoughts of not being good enough/worries come out. To a point I end up crying first thing in the morning. I did it for 3 days in a roll. My mind has been dead quiet and it's lowkey freaking me out. I don't know how I go from crying in the morning to just being blank. I don't understand why I am doing this. I have not cried like that in a long time. At first I was super hyper,in compulsive,talking fast,felt like I could explode from the bent up energy I had. This lasted 2 days. Then I went from that to being in a depressed episode. Where I felt exhausted,irritable,sensitive, stressed,anxiety,self-hatred,reckless with ones safety and having Si, sh urges,feeling like I'm too much and burden those who love me, this like feel numb but also feel everything kind of feeling. For a few weeks my emotions have been easily triggered. Like I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I have been in depression since I was 8 but it didn't really get bad until I was 16. Something big happened in me. Since then I haven't been the same. I just want to be without mental illness and live stable. But I know I'll never get cured of my conditions. I honestly having being doing good with the fact I am bipolar. I hate the way it makes me feel and the way it effected my relationship. I hate putting this burden on my girl. She said herself I can be too much sometime because of the bipolar and I agree I can be too much. I just wish my gf and I didn't have to deal with it. I honestly don't understand why she'd want to deal with me because I don't even want to live with myself. There is no escaping me. But she stays for some reason. She said she loves me and God I love her too. I just hope my love is worthy dealing with my problems. I just wish I could be better for her. But this is me. I just got to figure out how to be okay with that.because I have been wondering if I can handle being like this for the rest of my life. I thought my problems was because of my living environment and surviving traumas. But in reality I find out I have severe mixed bipolar 1 and cptsd along with adhd,ocd and possibly bpd. How am I suppose to be okay knowing that what I thought could fixed by everything turns out won't work. I'll still have these conditions. My future kids will have me to deal with. I don't even know if I want a bio kid anymore because I don't want to give them this burden. But I want a bio kid so bad. Would it be self-fish? Anyhow thank you for reading ❤️