Fuck all of these feelings. Im so over it

We broke up a little over a week ago and we were together for 4 years. We have lived together for 3. We have been working on finding alternate living so we can move out and break the lease early.

I came home from work today and he was not home (thank God, he picked a fight last night and it didnt end well). I looked around and noticed some things were gone of his. I peeked my head in his room and saw most of his stuff was gone. So i guess hes moved out. I knew he was going to stay with his sister so its not a suprise but i cant lie. I was a little shocked. Not even so much as a heads up. Whatever i guess.

He texted me that he wasnt coming back which is cool because i can move freely around the apartment without having to tiptoe but the relief quickly changed to nostalgia. I was making my dinner and a flood of memories of him and i talking in the kitchen while i cooked. The place suddenly felt so empty and quiet. I broke apart into tears. Im glad we ended. Things werent good between us. Its sad we did because i wanted to marry this man. But it was time for it to end. I dont necessarily want him back, but i want the good times back. I want to feel those feelings and live those memories again.

I wish i hated him, i feel like it would be easier to walk away and wash my hands of the time and memories. But i cant. I think ill always love him in some way. I think he was my first real, true love. Definetly gonna get into therapy once i can afford it in a few months.

I know the Lord has a plan for me and that this is all a part of it. That the hurt will get better with time, but damn do i wish i could fast forward to then. Im just gonna focus on me and my relationship with the Lord and let him guide me.

If you read all of this, thanks lol. I just needed a place to vent and i dont really have anyone that i want to bother with all of my feelings lol. If youre going through a breakup too, im praying for peace to come to you too. Bless all of you and thank you for listening/reading <3