Was I the problem?

Ok so I (20M) dated my ex (20F) for about 11 months. During that time we went though a lot and I’ve overall realized how toxic she was to me but I can’t lie, social media has me wondering if I was the one causing the mess.

About 3 months in I brought her something that she did that made me very uncomfortable and very politely asked her to stop, she brushed it off and pretty much told me she wasn’t going to change.

After this I became very distant, I think at that point my head knew this wasn’t gonna work but my heart still loved her. So I stuck with it. She got extremely codependent, made any emotional toil that she had a me problem. If I didn’t come see her she would gaslight me or manipulate me until I gave in. In cases where I spent time with friends I couldn’t even enjoy their company because I felt like I was somehow wronging her by being away. I remember very vividly when I was working my ass off in one of my courses that she told me I should stop working so hard in school because a relationship is more important and that she felt unloved because she wasn’t getting the insane amount of attention she wanted (5 hours undivided attention a day btw). Initially did a lot to make her happy, random gifts: candy, flowers, little trinkets until one day I got her the “wrong breed” of flower which was a beautiful potted orchid plant. After that I stopped going out of my way to do nice things as much.

All of this was eventually apologized for but wayyyy too late, the damage was already done.

Multiple times did I bring up the original discomfort, she dismissed it and I got more and more frustrated with it. We went to couples therapy for 2 months, even when the therapist said she was causing resentment she persisted her actions.

Now that the relationship is over, she’s spinning herself off as being this golden person who tried her hardest. The woman turned me from a very loving and charismatic romantic to a silent and small avoidant. It’s killing me.