my mom suddenly died even though she was terminally ill.

I lost my mom unexpectedly/expectedly on my 28th birthday. My world has turned upside down.

My mom has had health problems since I was 6 years old. She was diagnosed with end stage copd when she was 44. when she was 50, she was given the gift of life by getting a lung transplant.

for ten years she lived relatively healthy (she had high blood pressure, had a few skin cancer spots removed, maybe a little high cholesterol. bur her transplant lung was doing well.

but of course transplants aren’t a cure and after a while the medicines tear up other organs. it caused her to get a rare liver problem, she had to start dialysis because the medicine destroyed her kidneys. she got covid twice (2021&2024) and both times I think it destroyed some of her transplanted lung. She also had congestive heart failure but her heart Dr made it seem like she was good.

A week or so before her passing she was in the hospital for pneumonia. We thought it would be a routine admission but it wasn’t. The transplant drs were saying basically they couldn’t do anything else for her except treat her symptoms which they have been for years.

They wanted her to fill out an advanced directive but they’ve always wanted her to. But no one ever said she was near death or she needed hospice care. But with the way her health was I’d say she would have died in a year or two.

The night before she gave me my birthday card she kept asking me to open it so I did. She gave me flowers, balloons and my favorite birthday cake. She was very happy, very energized and I just figured she was finally feeling better after being home from the hospital for a week.

But later in the night she kept saying she had gas pains. She has always had issues with going to the bathroom due to all of the medicines she took and dialysis treatments too. I kept asking her if she was okay or if I needed to get her to the hospital and she said she was fine and didn’t want to go the hospital. I was getting very anxious because my brain was telling me something was wrong and I will always kick myself for not trying and getting her care. I also feel like a bitch because I wasn’t that nice with her because she was so stubborn when it came with getting help.

After a few hours, she finally got comfortable in her chair. I noticed she was cold feeling so I covered her up and I noticed she was breathing fast. She said she felt comfortable and told me to go to sleep. I told her I was afraid to go to sleep because of my anxiety. She told me she was fine, to go to sleep because she was going to go to sleep.

I finally fell asleep (we were in the same room) I didn’t hear anything that would have woken me up I usually wake up easily. A few hours later I woke up and found her in her chair in a position just how she slept and I thought I was half asleep or losing it because I wasn’t seeing her move, I shook her chair a few times and called for her and I knew then she was gone.

I got my aunt and uncle and they called 911 telling them someone had passed away. The medics came and despite her being cold and despite me telling them to not touch her they couldn’t listen to me because “she didn’t have a DNR so we much try and resuscitate” I knew she wasn’t coming back but I thought maybe they could get her back.

But after like 10-15 mins they said nothing changed and she was officially pronounced.

I know she had a ton of health problems (every organ just about had an issue going on) but I never thought in a million years she would die right now, especially since none of the drs were acting like she wasn’t gonna die anytime soon.

But I truly believe my mom knew what was going on and didn’t want me awake to see her pass. She never wanted to leave me especially since my dad died 11 years prior.

I feel like a shitty daughter because I feel like I didn’t help her enough or got her help. I feel like I was shitty with her and I hope she knew I loved her and didn’t want her to leave. I was a caretaker for her just about my whole life but the past 4 years I was helping her more and more.

Idk why I didn’t listen to my brain and got her help. Maybe it was a sign because she would have died in the hospital. I just hope she didn’t suffer. And I feel like I didn’t learn everything I needed to learn

I just feel so numb and lost. Both of my parents are now gone. I’m not even 30. If anybody has any advice or comfort let me know ❤️