In love with my close friend and we're going on holiday for two weeks. Can't tell her and it's ripping me apart.

Met this girl start of college. We were a four person group and we all got close immediately. But this one girl has become everything.

She's like my other half, and she agrees. In her own words, we are 'kindred spirits'. We both wanna be writers, both wanna go to the same university, same favourite shows and weird little niche things like small philosophy YouTubers we love and songs we didn't think other people knew about.

We have similar little quirks and mannerisms, the same problems with our weight and eating. Same favourite foods, interests and passions... It's ridiculous. It's WEIRD. Like fate, and to this day we still comment on it. She herself said she has never met someone so like herself. And I agree, because I haven't met anyone even close.

We've been close friends for a while now. We've partied together, slept in the same bed together, stayed up till 5am chatting in my living room, she calls me nearly everyday. There's been small signs and signals, drunk flirty play fights and deep conversations. The group jokes we sometimes bicker like a married couple.

My type has been exactly her my entire life. From eye colour to hair, to figure and personality, she's spot on. And her taste in older men? Well I got mistaken for 30 today and I'm 19 (got early greying hair and lots of facial hair)

You'd think we're dating. But NO!

I immediately established us as friends the moment we met. I didn't think I could handle a relationship right now and I still believe that, but oh my god I cannot handle it.

She spends half our conversations going on about coworkers she is enamored with, jumping from one crush to the next. It's not like I haven't done the same either, just to talk about some random girl I'm texting as if I'm actually interested in them at all.

She's like me, doesn't want a relationship because she wants to improve. But that's gonna change and I'm gonna have to listen to the guys she's dating and I can't do anything about it. It's bad enough listening to a rant about a small interaction with some coworker, but the thought that I'd have to listen to her talk about a boyfriend...

Last night she called me after work, hadn't even left the building. And immediately went into it, and I just couldn't handle it. Said I'd call her back and didn't. This morning she called me and I asked why she couldn't come in, she got angry and said she couldn't afford the bus and hung up on me.

I'm just sat here now thinking, wtf have I gotten myself into? I could've just said something back then, but no. I had to destroy any chance of a relationship with this girl. I can't distance myself because it's a group in a tiny class in a tiny college all sharing the same education path for the next five years.

I really love this girl and I can't do a thing about it. Can't make it awkward for the trip in which we'll be together 24/7 every day for two weeks.

Can't take a break to end my feelings since I'd be losing all the friends I've made, especially since I just lost my best friend to psychosis (another bit of bullshit in my life, had to explain to his family what's going on and call the emergency services myself). I cannot figure out any solution whatsoever, and it just sucks.

You can give me advice, but there's nothing I can do. This is a situation I've built myself in such a way that I CAN'T confess or move away from this friend group. For the foreseeable future, this is it. I gotta sit here, in love with a girl who has no idea, and can't know unless I want to upheave everything else I actually like about life right now.

Goddamn man. I need a break.

Edit: alright, I'm gonna do it right after my trip ends, which is 28th February. Now and it'll just be awkward and potentially ruin the holiday, so I'll do it at the end.