Another one lost to suicide (And im partly responsible)

Tuesday morning, i woke up doing my usual daily routine. Coffee at 8, breakfast by 9, done exercising by 10:30, and a mental health check with myself before opening my laptop to read emails to start another day of hellish work. The moment i woke up, i didnt bother to check notification in my phone and just went straight for spotify and played my playlist to start my day off. I hear notifications here and there but chose to ignore it in the name of focusing on finishing my routine. But the moment i opened my laptop, i was bomabrded with telegram, whatsapp, and messanger notifications in my laptop screen. So I opened them.

The first thing i saw were my group chats filled with crying emojis and RIP messages and a whole lot of "when did it happen?" So with that, i already knew someone important to our group of friends died. I didn't bother scroling or reading through the messages as i really need to check my emails.

A few hours goes by and it was lunch time, had nothing better to do but backread the messages i missed. My heart dropped when i read the lines "Person X killed himself"

Person X was an estranged member of our group. Although we encourage a conversation wuth him from time to time but he was the one who rejects our advances to be closer with him. He distanced himself when some of us decided to leave the film industry. He pursued his passion while we gave it up in the name of feeding ourselves.

Person X, was struggling with MDD and was diagnosed at 2017. I was diagnosed in 2016. We bonded over the fact that we understood how we both feel and how the stuggles of MDD affects our social lives and so we back each other up.

For the past few years Person X was trying his hardest to get one of his scripts to be made into a film. And the last i heard of it, was that the studios rejected him, and they rejected him with some amounts of brutal words. It was visible that his spirits were down whenever it happened but we were there to tell him "we are here and we will help you make it work". But now, i know that those words were the wrong things to say. We should have said "we are here, it's okay, we understand how you feel, you are not alone."

So how am I partly responsible for his suicide? I taught him the suicide process he used to end things.

Back in the early days of our friendship, we would talk about grim stuff like how we would kill ourselves. He mentioned that he doesnt want to go out in a bloody or painful or violent way simply because he doesnt have the guts to do it. And so i told him my preferred method and explained the science behind it, explained the process and how to get the things needed with excrutiating detail. For the sake of people reading this, i will not mention the name of this suicide method nor its process. But i will mention a few things about it without giving away too much information.

The process involves 4 days of preparation. And at the day itself, it takes 12 to 16hrs before your heart stops beating so you will die peacefully in your sleep. But to think he had the determination to go through the 4 days of preparation without changing his mind, and the 12 to 16hrs of slow death, he must have really decided to end it. It means he must have been in the roughest shape and went through hell and back and back to hell. I cant imagine the pain he went through to decide that he no longer wants to live. I cant imagine carrying that kind of mental stress around while you work.

Nobody knows that I'm the one who taught him that suicide method. Nobody knows that I gave him all the information he needed, including the science of it. Nobody knows that i'm partly responsible for his death.

I want to write a hand written letter to his parents and confess everything. My irresponsible and reckless act as a teenager has resulted to giving someone the tools they need to kill themselves. I want to come clean to my friends and tell them I'm the one who gave him the way out. I was irresponsible and reckless back then, but i want to be accountable and responsible now.

Confessing to them wont bring him back. The damage that I caused is irreversible. The pain of losing a good person; a passionate and loving person will not be soothed by my confession. But im hoping it brings a little bit of answer to the table as to "why did he do it?".