I lost another one

I can't believe I'm posting here again. I just lost another son/cat. My baby Haw-haw. He was sleeping on a computer chair beside my bed when suddenly he threw up all the food he ate today, pooped, and had a seizure while trying to go out. He's been struggling a lot these past few days (can't eat hard foods, drooling too much and sleeping a lot).

He scratched me before he died but I don't even want to go get it checked. I wasn't able to bring him to a vet so I won't go to a doctor either. There's no vet clinic near us and we don't have the financial means to do so. I hate myself. I hate being poor. I hate this stupid town.

One of the reasons why I stop hurting myself was because Haw-haw would always snug/cuddle me whenever I'm crying or holding a cutter. I can't take this. It hurts so much.