I cannot make the final trip

The vet told me it’s time. That I need to do it soon before things become worse. My sweet princess as a degenerative decease and they told me I need to let go already.

I have been putting off the appointment 2 weeks. I gave myself until end of January. But I cannot do it. I look at her face and I cannot imagine that she won’t be here anymore. I cuddle with her and I can feel her heart beating. When I give her all my love she does better and she can rest peacefully. I look at her sleeping, like things were normal and I cannot understand why her time is running out just now.

I keep trying to gather strength and do it but I am physically unable to make this move. I cannot endure all this pain. Everyone tells me I did everything I could and that I’m going to make one last final act of love. But I look at her, I feel her heart beating. I cannot take her life. But I need to trust the doctors, right? I need to do this before she suffers too much, right?

My family tells me I’m torturing myself. But even if I left my job, I’m 24/7 with her to take care of her and accompany her, when the day ends I say to myself “it’s all worth it, it’s all worth it to spend one more day with her”.

Why must it end now? Why can’t I spend eternity with the only person who’s loved me unconditionally? Will I feel regret? Guilt? I cannot live with the thought that I took her chance to live, that I decided for her when to rest.

I need help, I feel like I will not take her to the vet and eventually she will suffer. And I will be the one to blame. Every night I tell myself “we made it one more day” but it’s been weeks now.