I ruined my dogs euthanasia for myself.

I work as a veterinary assistant currently. I’ve been in the field for 5 years but this is the first pet I’ve euthanized in those years. His name is Charlie but I called him Bobby. I took him to the EV instead of my job because I wanted to be seen as a client and not an employee and knowing my coworkers would’ve had to see him in between scheduled patients when he needed full attention. It was me, my mom, and my boyfriend in the room. When euthanizing a pet the doctor will inject propofol (white) first, this is the anesthetic, it’s also used in surgery and dentals and I assist in them regularly but especially prep. Typically for an anesthetized procedure, the propofol is pushed then I will hold the patients mouth so the ET tube can be inserted. Well the doctor had pushed the propofol into my dog’s IVC, he was sitting up so once he fell asleep I laid his limp body on his side and my boyfriend thought that was it and said “oh my god” I felt myself almost explaining that he hadn’t passed yet and this was just the anesthetic but again I stopped myself but not before I instinctively went to grab his mouth for this hypothetical ET tube. I caught myself before I did and had to remind myself what was going on and that this wasn’t the time for woman-splaning propofol or placing ET tubes. Fast forward to the second part, euthasol (pink) which is what stop brain function and after, the heart. Since being in the field I’ve developed a habit of not being able to pet or cuddle my pets without feeling for a pulse. I had my hand on his chest feeling his pulse. After the euthasol was pushed I felt his heart stop. I felt my dog’s heart stop beating. I felt my dog die. I felt his final heart beat with his chest in my hand.

This was on Tuesday, it’s the following Monday at 3:00am. I know that on Thursdays the pet crematorium will pick up the bodies and do general cremations on Fridays. All of Wednesday I couldn’t stop thinking about how cold he was in the freezer. He will likely be cremated today or tomorrow and now all I can think about is how hot it’s going to be. 1600°(F). I can’t sleep because right before I fall asleep I imagine him in there.

He was a spoiled dog. Tons of toys he never really showed interest in, sweaters and clothes, so many collars because they all irritated his neck, harnesses, leashes, treats, beds (even though he only liked mine), two different kennels (he was never kennel trained), everything. I’d spend entire paychecks at petco back when I didn’t have bills to pay for. But now it’s all of his things everywhere. He still has a full bowl of food and his doorbell button to go potty is just sitting there collecting dust. I don’t know what to do with it all, I can’t just throw it out, I can’t pack it away, but I shouldn’t leave it where it is.