Finally going nacho
Nacho seems to be the way forward for me because truthfully being a step parent is hard. SO says I knew what I signed up for, but I truly did not. Our partners always say that don’t they? When we started dating he barely mentioned his son. It wasn’t until SO moved in that I began to see what I “signed up for”: SO at the time would be away for 4 days a fortnight at his parents with his son, then sports take up a lot of his free time. So then I said I wanted to be involved with his son, because he’s a big part of SO’s life, but also because if I spent time with his son I got to spend more time with him. So then I had another shock: To spend more time with SO meant I had to spend time with a child that was a lot of work and also a walking talking reminder of his past relationships. This also came with the drama of his ex trying to rock up our relationship. And also the fact that every plan we make has to be around SS’s schedule (“no we can’t go there because SS here that weekend” “no we can’t attend that because that’s SS weekend”). I’m sure being a step parent is hard enough for people who like kids, but my god, when you actively avoid children it’s even harder.
So, to minimise grief for myself I’m beginning to nacho. Here’s how I’m doing it, in case anyone needs tips:
I’m no longer gaslighting myself into thinking I have to be the perfect step mother or that I love this situation. My role is not to”bonus mum”, my role is dad’s partner and trusted adult. I can love SS, but I don’t have to like being a step mother. Hell, I can love him but I don’t even have to like him. Most bio parents love their children but don’t like them a lot of the time… so why is it so different for step parents when we express the slightest bit of grief about not liking the situation.
My own responsibility towards SS is to keep him safe when he is here, to treat him with kindness, and to be a trusted adult. I am not his “bonus mum” and I never will be, I have given up on the idea that I need to be a bonus parent to him. I love him like I would love a nephew, I don’t love him like a child of my own, and I will no longer try to convince myself that I do.
When SS is here that is SO’s time to have alone time with him, there is no reason I need to constantly have family time with them, for the sake of my sanity and out of care for SO and SS to spend quality time.
I no longer pay any mind to BM or entertain the idea of full custody. I used to think that full custody was a better way, but I actually do not want that and having SS here eowe is certainly enough.
I won’t let this situation spoil any of my plans for having my own children. For a while I was scared of bringing a baby into this situation, but I do want a baby one day. I won’t treat my own bio children preferentially, but I also won’t let BM have any control over my own motherhood journey. SS already has two parents and my main responsibility will be my own children. I may have (in SO’s words) “signed up for this”, but I did not sign up for not starting a family of my own.
The bottom line is that is no reason that the fact that SO has a child should affect my life more than necessary. I’m no longer going to over-stress or gaslight myself anymore into feeling guilty and thinking I need to be perfect. It was not my choice to have a child, and it wasn’t until I was already well into my relationship with SO (a few months after he moved in) that I really got an idea of how hard it would be. So no, I will not play mum, and I will also not feel guilty about not absolutely loving and thriving in this situation, and I won’t feel guilty for protecting my peace as much as possible.
This is my stance. My SO is supportive, and I hope he will remain supportive. I have been open about this with him, so that he actually does know what he signed up for. And what he has signed up for is a partner, and a trusted adult for his son, he did not sign up for a replacement mother for his son.