I hate losing weight

Since I was young, I was always been overweight and because of my home life I started dealing with anxiety and stresses and that's when I started to binge eat. It affected me every day of my life and it wasn't until toxic. People were finally out of my life that I was starting to heal. Right now I'm almost down 70 lb and even though everyone has been complimenting me and have been excited for me.

I just hate my body in a weird way since my whole life was spent being plus size, I only saw myself in a certain light. It's like I could exist in my own piece. No one wanted anything from me. No one really needed anything for me and I could just be comfortable. It always felt like I couldn't talk about this part of my life hating losing weight, and i hating feeling cold all the time cuz I used to be warm, and I hate now that clothes kind of fit because there's this expectation that I should dress better.

I wasn't known for fashion. I was known for my comfort but now things are starting to fit and the supportive people in my life want me to try new things and try to highlight myself but I miss hiding and I miss not being seen; I miss not trying. Maybe I was depressed before maybe I'm still depressed. I'm not too sure food used to be my comfort.

It's like I have nothing that comforts me anymore. It's like I still don't have any Joy. I miss having an excuse to tell myself so I can just stay in. I miss having a reason wanting to stay out of the public eye. I miss accepting I could be alone forever because no one would ever find me attractive, but now I feel so awkward just talking to men. I just miss being big fat and ugly. I mean I still think that I'm ugly. I just kind of miss the being fat and ugly part.

The worst part is nobody really understands. I go to the gym now. I take care of myself. I do everything everyone tells you you're supposed to do to feel better. I have good days where I feel so motivated that I know what I'm doing and then I have these bad days where I just want to lie down and cry because......I don't know actually. I don't know why I'm still sad. I thought once I started losing the weight I should be happy, but instead I just kind of miss my old self because then everything wrong made sense. Now things are still wrong but people are happy for me and it's like I don't know what to do to make myself happy again. I feel so lost, I feel like I've lost something, and I'll never find it. I feel lied too, and it'll never be better no matter what I do.