How dating and maybe losing an avoidant is helping me heal my anxious issues.

I (43M) have known I am AP for just a few months, but I really went down the rabbit hole when I realized there has been an answer for how I feel all along. The last 3 months, especially, I have been engossed in learning about attachment theory, applying it to my life and relationships, being very intentional about healing and becoming secure, and using my new found knowledge to create stronger connections with my family and dating partners.

Today, I feel much more secure in myself, and I was recently tested by an avoidant partner.

I had been dating "Nicole" (51F) for just two months, but it was a whirlwind of fun and excitement. We were both very upfront that we were not exclusive, but we also agreed that we would never flaunt or brag about other people we were seeing to each other. This is a very important part of the story of our relationship, because we both have had traumatic relationships, and we were both still very unsure about what to expect in the future. We had talked about moving slowly and learning about each other before committing to each other. Also, we both stated that we were celibate, but for different reasons. Hers, because she was weeding out people who were just looking for sex. For me, I was being very intentional about not participating in "fuckboy" lifestyle.

During the two months we were together, I quickly realized she was avoidant. She would disappear for several days at a time, no text or communication, and then suddenly one day my phone was blowing up. This always happened after a date with me. Every date we had was amazing, and then she would mini-ghost me for 3-4 days. I believe this occurred because she was processing the feelings and connections we made during those dates. I always allowed her space to do so, and she always reconnected on her own.

Many of her life philosophies and personality traits, such as purposely being "hyper indepedent" as she referred to herself, were traits of an avoidant. Stories of her past relationships also provided evidence that she is avoidant. My research into avoidant tendencies helped me create connections with her, almost too fast and almost too good to be true. I obeyed all the advice from articles and videos, and I really felt like our connections were genuine.

I also became very confident with myself during those months. We had one date that was supposed to just be an activity and a dinner, and it lasted 33 hours as we found more to do, stayed the night, and did more the next day. In the afternoon of the second day, she told me she was supposed to go to a concert with one of her "guy friends" and confirmed it was a "date" when I asked her. She said he was supposed to pick her up in an hour, but that she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay with me. I told her, you made a promise to go, you need to go. I drove her home, she kissed me and said didn't want me to leave, and yet I confidently told her to go. Truthfully, it didn't bother me in the slightest to do this, because in that moment I had the utmost confidence and value in myself. Nobody could touch me!

Last week we went to Miami Beach for a 6-day vacation. Nothing too fancy or too far away, just a great opportunity to spend time with each other and learn about each other. Every day was basically paradise: beach, good food, bike rides, site seeing, and great conversation. We slept next to each other, in each others' arms every night, listening to the ocean. We planned another trip, talked about even two more trips. We talked about the future. I found myself falling for her, and I felt her falling for me. I felt I had broken down some of her walls, and the connections were genuine. I even had the obligatory, yet fleeting, thought that "I could fix her, we can heal together, and we could be happy."

Except, there was one thorn that kept poking me while we were in Miami. Three times she showed me her phone, and remarked, "Oh, I have 32 messages on Hinge" or "Look, I have 30 likes on Facebook Dating." I ignored it, first as a joke, but it was my assessment that she was doing this to push away ever so slightly. Later she would tell me I am special, I am wonderful, and compliment me. It was as if sometimes I didn't matter or I was merely a friend, and then hours later I was the most important person in the world. She could have looked at her phone and not said anything, but she seemed to do it randomly to keep me at arms length.

I actually broke one of my rules, too. When I planned the vacation, I told her I wanted her to make sure she had a spa day or a day by herself for self-care. That once I was confortable with the area, I was going to have my own exploration day as well. I was having so much success connecting with her, I forgot about this rule I made for the vacation. On the morning of the second to last day, I remembered and brought it up, but she did not take me up on the offer. I even offered to pay for her spa day, but she didn't take me up on it.

And then, on the evening of the second to last day, we were in an Uber going to dinner. We had become accustomed to sharing instagram reels when we were with each other, and she made a little giggle noise so I looked over to see what she was laughing about. It was a text message, some guy sent her a selfie. I'm assuming this is the person she was talking to. She responded with a topless photo of herself, in our hotel suite, taken during our vacation together. I was floored.

But I didn't say anything. Why make a big deal about it on vacation? I wanted to process what I had seen, how I felt, and come up with an approach. I could feel myself backing off, and within a couple hours she was asking me if I was okay. I played it off. Don't want to go back to the cold, not ready to leave. All true, but not what was happening inside me. I felt betrayed and disrespected. She could have waited to open that message when I wasn't sitting next to her in the same car. She could have gone to the restroom and texted in private. She could have waited until later or even until we got back home. She should have been more careful. We weren't supposed to be flaunting our dating life in each others' faces, but here it was. I questioned myself if it was on purpose.

I waited until we got back home to address it. I waited a day for her to get settled into her routine, went to a much needed therapy session I had purposely booked for the day after we returned home, and then decided to set my boundary. My therapist confirmed that this boundary was healthy, that I was rightfully bothered by it, and that I needed to set this boundary for myself. Failing to do so, I would not have respected myself, and I would have become just another "nice guy" that would do anything for a female's attention. Thats not me, I know my value, and I know I am a good person and partner.

I dreaded this conversation, but if I am going to be secure with myself, I need to stand up for myself. So, I called her. Asked her if she had time to meet, and she said she didn't. Fine, I needed to say this, so I asked if we could have a serious discussion over the phone, and I told her: I saw what happened in the uber, and I've been thinking of those times you showed me your dating apps with 30+ messages and matches. I needed her to know that seeing those, I felt a little jealous, and a lot devalued as a partner. Here we were on our way to an expensive dinner, shes a foot away from me, and she's texting with another romantic partner.

I also very purposely reiteratred, I still like her. I still wanted to see her. I was still intentional about us. But she had to stop messaging other people in front of me, and I didn't want to see how many people on Hinge I was competing with. I know my value and I don't need subtle messages that I am just an option. I told her I would never, and have never, texted or talked to another woman while I was with her. I don't even look at or check out other women when I am with her. She gets 100% of my attention during our time, and I simply expected the same.

She went off. Called me controlling, jealous, possessive. She can do what she wants with her body and her phone. I agreed, she's right. She can and I even told her that her independece is one of her most attractive qualities. I didn't want to change anything about her! She said I was calling her a whore for taking naked pics. I never said that, I never used that word, but she was already rewriting history and spinning it around to make me the bad guy. She said we're not exclusive, and I said I know. Thats not the issue. We talked previously that we were not going to flaunt other dating partners to each other, and yet she was doing just that, both with the Hinge bragging and the texting with another. But I also get to be in charge of my emotions and my time, and my time won't be wasted on someone who will flaunt their other dates in front of me as if I don't matter. Please respect this boundary and all is well.

Then she said my respect for her was diminished and her reputation with me was ruined, that I thought less about her. A strange moment of clarity for her in a conflict, and I told her my feelings for her had not changed one bit. Then she said this was irony for her, the universe is laughing at her because she has told so many people in the past to not do the same thing, and here she was doing the same things they did. I said nothing is laughing, its not the end of the world, I just need my boundary respected.

I was cool, calm, and confident in my message. I sat quietly as she screamed at me for trying to control her, but the longer I stayed calm, the more upset and angry she got. It turned into rage. Then she tried to break me. She insulted me, saying she was dating other people better looking than me, and people who had better jobs. She screamed, its my body, its my phone, I'll do whatever I want, and I'm not your girlfriend.

She said it was time to take a step back and process what happened, and said she wanted to end the phone call. I said okay. She said goodnight, and that was it.

I spent the day ruminating about how it all went so wrong so fast. But this didn't break my confidence or my self-image. It simply had to be done, I had to stand up to someone I adored and potentially lose them, or else I wouldn't respect myself. I am not a groveling fuckboy.

Now, four days later, I feel much more confident in my decision. Yes, I cried. I allowed myself to lose temporary control, and I even allowed my anxiety to return for fleeting moments of weakness. Those moments, and more importantly recovering from those moments, make me feel more confident in myself. I can have those feelings, experience them, and then move on from them.

As for us, we haven't talked since, I am purposely giving her space to process what happened, and giving myself space to decide if I even want to see her again should she apologize for her behavior. I don't have to make that decision now, and maybe I never will. Its entirely possible we are done forever, entirely possible we never speak again... But that is entirely within her control. I am not going to contact her, I am totally no contact, she made the mistakes, its up her to to figure it out on her own time.

The point is to be true to yourself. Your mental health must be number one. Assert your boundaries, listen to your emotions, stand up for what is right for you, and be confident that you are making the right decision.

In this moment, I realize being secure isn't about shutting out bad thoughts and emotions. Its about confronting those emotions and moving past them because you know you're good enough.