Mania can change your actions, but bipolar changes who you are

I was never exactly a role model growing up but I still think my past self is better off than me now. I was a pretty skinny kid with a lot of heart and although my homelife at the time was horrible, I still kept my morals in tact and my personality was energetic and always full of jokes, I always opened up to those close to me and I cared deeply for those around me.

However, 3 years later with many undiagnosed erratic behaviours and episodes that completely went against my morals, I've become a completely different person. I've physically changed drastically, probably for the better, I've got a lot of tattoos, I'm heavily weighted down by the guilt of my past actions, I never open up to anyone anymore even if it kills me, I've lost my old self.

Bipolar changed me so much that people I use to know couldn't even recognise me. My attitude now is depressing and somber and I know that both physically and emotionally, I am at this point a completely different person. I miss my old self, I know see myself as a villain instead of the guy I once knew. All the trauma from my past and the horrible bipolar episodes have traumatised me into becoming someone I wish I never became. I think I'm unforgivable for the things I did while manic, it weighs heavily in my heart everyday and I realised this burden of bipolar can heavily impact who you become. In my eyes, mania changes your actions and emotions, bipolar changes who you are but it doesn't define you either way.