Day 1

This is kind of a hard post to make following yesterday, but I think it might help me. For context please look at my last post (it contains suicide if you're sensitive to that). I want to start this sort of journal here documenting my daily life as well as a way to share the memory of who my lover once was. I know from all the people commenting on that post that I am welcome to do this sort of vent thing here (really thank you all so much words cannot describe how much I appreciate it), but I hope this doesn't become a nuisance to the people here. I don't want people to think that I believe my life and his are so important that everybody here has to read all about it. This really is just a way for me to cope.

I stayed up really late last night watching Sasaki to Miyano (cute BL anime check it out) and had trouble going to sleep. I woke up drenched in sweat at least 7 times throughout the night; I haven't been able to get a good night's rest since he first left. Every night he'd make sure to tell me goodnight and some of his messages were so long with telling me how much he loved me that I had to scroll to read it all. He would genuinely get upset with himself if he fell asleep and didn't tell me goodnight. When I woke up around 7:10 I was really disappointed in myself for not crying. I just felt like something important was missing. The best way I can describe it is like going to a restaurant but you're only served sides, no main course. Everything just felt dull.

School was okay as far as coping with a dead boyfriend goes. Most of my friends were off on some trip so I'm glad that I didn't have to pretend to be happy throughout the day. I had wings for lunch. Those were his favorite. My mind felt really foggy all day long as if I were unconsciously trying to drown out any thoughts of him. Any time one did slip through though my heart would beat very hard and I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. Just thinking about how he felt like that except much worse every single day really saddens me.

I think that I need to set some goals for the future just to keep me passionate about something, so I'll put some here. I want to start going to the gym again with my friend. Before I met him, I was really insecure about my body (I'm 6'3 210 lbs currently). I'm pretty chubby and I wasn't very confident in myself so I was a fanatic when it came to exercise and dieting. He made me feel pretty though. He genuinely believed that I was the most attractive person in the world, and I felt the same about him. He really helped my self image and I don't know what I would've done if he hadn't. I want to go back to the gym now not purely to make myself look better, but because I want to be healthy. He said he loved my big tummy, so I'm rather reluctant on giving it up, so I'll just settle for a mid point where I have a healthy amount of fat. It'll also help me connect with the only other person I actually feel close to. I also want to get better at daily hygiene, skincare, and all that stuff. I think I want to become more feminine (for myself not for others) so I'll stay healthy and work more to make more money to buy more clothes and stuff.

Thank you for reading this far. I think that this has really helped me comprehend my emotions. I'll probably keep doing this as long as I'm welcome here, so thank you for welcoming me into this wonderful community. I do feel kind of guilty for a couple of things that I don't want to talk about for fear of crying another couple hours, but I can get through it. If you want to take anything away from this then please just know that there was once an amazing boy that this cruel world just couldn't handle, and I loved him with everything I am.