Finally going to stop believing the lies I’ve been telling myself.

I’m someone with a lot of family around, we all have kids, we have our village. I have told myself since I started my motherhood journey that it’s beautiful. My siblings and I, we’re all raising kids together with my parents as loving grandparents. A real life Parenthood situation.

I always said this is a fulfilling life, I would be so lost and bored without my kids and my family. What’s the point of life if it isn’t family?

But today, I’m giving my optimism up, at least for now. The reality of this life is that is sucks the personality and autonomy right out of you. The truth is that it is relentless and exhausting. The glimpses of joy from my kids is great, it’s not worth the cost. I wish I would have known that I wasn’t suppose to be a parent before I became one. I check all the boxes so it is a surprise, even to me, that I…hate it. I hate it. I’m tired and I hate it. I have no way to figure out how to make it better today. So I give up. I’m letting the negativity in and I’m hoping that I’ll at least be able to find something in my life eventually that brings me joy again.

Edited to add: This post was completely brought on by 5 months of being sleep deprived. I am extremely lucky in my situation and I don't actively regret it 100% of the time but MAN I am not good at coping with the lack of sleep.