The constantly shifting goalpost and "ideal feamle body" social media bullshit.

Hi all!

So I just wanted to ask for some advice / support.

I've been on HRT (MtF) for a year and a half, also doing voice training, having SRS soon, all going well. The thing is, my goalpost keeps moving.

When I started, I would have been happy with some androginy. That only took a few months. Then I wanted "just to pass, no matter how I look". And I wanted to be attractive in a feminine way. I kinda reached all of those goals - I've not been misgendered in 9+ months, a lot of people whom I've met in recent months do not know I'm trans. I've also had some success on dating apps with women I find very attractive.

So on one hand, yay, I've achieved so much in a year! I should feel happy and fullfilled. I really see a new women looking back at me from the mirror, that's like so freaking amazing. But on the other... the goalpost has moved. I think I look eh and I do get "I wish I was her" feeling so often.

Ultimately I end-up comparing myself to the women I see on TV or socials, o matter how hard I try not to. I see that my waist is not quite as pronounced or my face shape is not as round, or my figure is not a perfect hourglass even with some shapewear. It's just so hard not to have this comparison. And I logically know a lot of this is filters or people in the "1% of most social gender norms imagined proportions". That I should not be comparing my morning hair lazy day to someone literally hired from 1000s of people to make men horny on TV.

I've done some digital detoxes but I also don't want to hermit myself. I don't have this problem with people IRL. And I'm also very sapphic in my attraction and I find a lot of people who are objectively further from this 'ideal body' than myself extremely pretty. I adore women who are masculine and butch - but if I were to look like them, I'd probably cry.

But it's just quite hard. I don't want to be vein and chase the hypothetical beaty ideal set by patriarchy. At the same time, I'm thinking "what about a few small plastic procedures". What about some lip filler, some body countouring. What If I get some relaxin so my hips can grow extra 2-3cm? I don't want to be chasing this, it's not who I am - I'm a nerdy girl with good business skills and love for cooking. But it's starting to feel like an addiction. Like some fucking plot of a teen drama movie. Once I've gotten a tiny bit of attention and attractiveness and pretty priveledge, I want to take it further.

Do you have any advice or resources or stories to help with this?