How to Forgive Myself

My Best Boy died this morning at 11 years old. He was the absolute best. In every way. He was my shadow and while I know I’m loved, I guarantee that no one or animal loved me more than this amazing kiddo did. And I loved him back so much. He was everything. We went in for a teeth cleaning late last year and found out he had heart worms (early stages) which we’re not even sure how with meds and mosquito spray but he did. We started the three month treatment process and everything was going well. Saturday he received his first shot. I stayed awake the first 36 hours watching him, feeding him, making sure he drank enough and checked his breathing and gums every two hours. After a dose of his meds at 1230 this am, I took a 2 hour nap on a makeshift bed I made for me and him in front of the fire. I checked on him every couple of hours. Woke up at 8, he was breathing normal but I didn’t check his gums and he had thrown up a little stomach bile. He seemed ok and I didn’t mean to but I fell back asleep. I was so tired after staying up for so long. When I woke up at 1030 he was dead next to me and had vomited a lot of blood. His little paws were covered. I picked him up to hold him and his little body was warm still. I wasn’t there for him when he passed. I was asleep. Maybe if I weren’t I could have gotten him to the vet in time to save his life? Maybe passing wouldn’t have been as bad for him if I were up and holding him like I should have been. I’m crushed. My husband is crushed. His poor fur brother is sad. My boy deserved so much better than this and he deserved better than me. My poor boy died as I slept.

I realize it’s been less than a day and I know that there’s no magical way to feel better. I’m not sure that I even deserve to. How do I forgive myself after letting him down? He was my best friend and my shadow. I work from home so I literally spent every moment with him and when he actually needed me I failed him.